The wisdom of the team - Invite others into the conversation

Sep 26

6 min read

Lifehacks are ubiquitous. I can find ways to improve my closet, my freezer and my tangled electronics cords. What I need are hacks for communication. In 2018, I had a goal to improve how I invite others into a conversation... from their perspective.

I'm one of the senior technical people in my organization, so I have experience, rank and a track record. My default personal style is more direct than most. I'm also a type One on the Enneagram: I am wired to see and comment on what is wrong or needs to be improved. When I strongly advocate for an idea or position, many people are hesitant to speak up for concern of challenging me. They don't jump in to the back-and-forth that I wish for. When I focus on what is wrong without recognizing what is right, good or improving, many people take that personally and disengage.

In the past, I had the perspective that when other people stayed quiet in a discussion, it was their problem. As long they had the opportunity, I considered it everyone's responsibility to speak up. These days, I understand that when we fail to cultivate the good ideas of every team member, it is our problem... and my contribution to the situation is my problem. This is true at home, too! While I can't control other people's behavior, I can work to improve my behavior to influence all of us to have the conversations we truly need. This was one of my top goals in 2018. I'm still a work in progress and I hope these hacks I've learned along the way will be helpful for you.

Attention and working memory

The three executive functions of the brain are attention, inhibition and working memory. I can 'hack' my conversations by priming my working memory with a few go-to phrases. In this blog, I'll describe four of my favorites.

AND... not but

My wife reminds me that "everything before the but is a lie." Replacing 'but' with 'and' is a powerful hack. For example:

"I appreciate the effort you put into this but..." At this point, I feel pretty comfortable pointing out everything that needs to be fixed or improved. It is unlikely that the person on the other side of my comment hears my appreciation - what I said before the but - as genuine. I just said something at the beginning to soften the comments and make myself feel better. If I put another appreciative comment at the end, I have created an infamous 'shit sandwich'.

"I appreciate the effort you put into this and..." This little three-letter word appeals to my integrity, one of my core values. I am reminded that everything I say from this point on must make the 'and' I just said a true statement. I am not freed to unleash my criticism; I am focused on speaking appreciation and offering constructive feedback. I successfully primed my working memory and attention!

We are all doing the best we can

I heard my wife start using this phrase during a stressful time for her family. When we are tired, frustrated, feeling pressured or our emotions are raw, it is easy to see everything as wrong or somebody else's fault. Dividing the world into us vs. them or you vs. me is toxic. This lovely phrase reminds the speaker and the listener(s) to focus on moving forward together and not on assigning blame. For me, it is an effective antidote for Fundamental Attribution Error. I use this phrase when I want say things are wrong or need to be improved. I can still highlight where we can do better. 'We are all doing the best we can' prompts me to exchange a critical tone for an approach that is more likely to start a meaningful discussion.

It has taken me a while to grasp that the best any of us can do is defined by our real human limitations of energy, past wounds, time, priorities, emotional intelligence, maturity and skill, not some theoretical optimum. It is very healing when we are able to sincerely say that our parents did the best they could.

Some ideas for how to use this at work:

Framing progress and contributions, not just problems. Before pointing out what needs to be improved, a friendly 'we are doing the best we can' is a good reminder to me to describe the gains we've made, how hard many people are working and the great contributions across the organization.
Resisting "us vs. them" thinking. This is a great phrase to pull out in the beginning of meetings where multiple teams are represented. It helps to break down tribal tensions and keep everyone's attention on where we are going together.
Avoiding the criticism bandwagon. In multiple situations at the end of 2018, someone pointed out how another's work was incomplete or incorrect. Before I joined in the fault-finding, I stated (with sincere confidence) that 'he is doing the best he can.' This focused us on how we could help, when I might have been tempted to join the chorus of complaint.
"I am doing the best I can." It's easy for me to beat myself up and compare myself to a standard of perfection. Self-compassion is powerful when I can assess where I want to do better in the future without beating myself up for the past. When the best I can do isn't good enough and has negative impacts on others, I need to apologize for those impacts or speak up to ask for help. This kind of vulnerability can be tough. I'm learning that the freedom on the other side of truth-telling is worth the effort.

I'm thinking out loud here... what am I missing?

In a lot of discussions, I am thinking by talking. My teammates need me to be overt when I'm looking for contributions and comments because I can sound quite confident. By starting with a declaration of thinking out loud or finishing with a question about what I'm missing, I remind myself that I am not lecturing but trying to start a meaningful discussion. Starting and/or ending my comments with genuinely humble and curious phrases helps others feel invited to point out what can be improved. The exact words are not as important as the intention that reminds me that I and the team benefit from everyone's best thinking.

This technique is useful when communicating via email or electronic documents as well, when context is harder to convey. One of my colleagues started using the term 'dart board' for a draft of a document that is meant to elicit feedback and suggested improvements. I find this very effective and I've copied the approach with pride. It is helpful to be clear on what kind of feedback we are looking for when we send something out in writing. This helps the recipients know how to respond and primes me to receive critical feedback well - I asked for it!

Thank you

Most of us learned to say 'thank you' before kindergarten, yet most of us feel underappreciated. John Gottman and Robert Levenson's research points out that thriving marriages have a 5:1 ratio of affirming (positive) to corrective (negative) statements between partners. These results hold for effective teams as well. The more that I recognize and appreciate others for their thoughts, attitude and efforts, the more they might feel invited to contribute to the next effort or conversation. If that wasn't enough motivation, Positive Psychology research has shown that expressing gratitude has many benefits for the giver.

With all the proven benefits to me, my relationships and my teams, you could expect me to be a gratitude machine. In reality, I have room to grow... but I'm making progress. To be most effective for me and others, I'm refining my expressions of gratitude based on four key elements. Doug Stone and Sheila Heen describe this wonderfully in their book, Thanks for the Feedback:

Timely. The time delay between someone's action or words and my appreciation is important. An immediate 'atta-boy' gives me a strong sense that my efforts are seen and my contributions are appreciated.
Specific. I find the Situation-Behavior-Impact approach really effective to communicate that I noticed someone else's contribution and to prompt me to describe the specific impact on me and others.
Genuine. My heart has to be in it.
In a form that the resonates with the receiver. When we resonate with each other in this way, the connection we build is truly amazing. This is a growth area for me - I have to notice people and learn their language of appreciation (verbal, written, private, public, tokens of appreciation, etc).

To prime my working memory, I have started adding task reminders to express gratitude in written form. While this sounds mechanical, it keeps me continually on the lookout for who I will thank next. It only takes a few minutes to write a thank you note or email that is specific and genuine. I'm finding that the opportunities to express gratitude are everywhere and I notice how many people around me are role models for appreciation.